Reading Hour
I don't know where to start or where to end. I don't know what I want to write about this time. Will it be something serious again or something cheerfully beautiful? Or maybe a mix of both? As so often, this time I have no clue where the journey, or rather all the letters and words in a row, will lead me. But I firmly believe that it is precisely this uncertainty that will bring my story to life.
Every day I sit regularly on my terrace at the same time. Together with some plants and shrubs, autumnal shining trees and a clothesline, it forms a small and very homey garden. Somewhere up north of Brisbane. Not much is known about this small village, which is now called home. Most of the time, the sun shines directly in my face, makes my eyes glow golden brown, my skin tan slightly and warm me. The road just in front of it, with hundreds of cars driving it, I don't notice anymore. At the beginning there was so much noise and with every engine running I raised my gaze towards chaos. But now, the chaos feels so relaxed. Chaos has somehow become just another part of the garden that I accept and appreciate. Thousands of cars became a single thing, a small part of something big. If you look around in my garden, you quickly think you've had enough in a minute or two. And although it looks the same day after day, it feels a little bigger with each reading hour. With my legs on the table, I swing from one page to the next of my book. Regularly I pause and accept all that is and all that nothingness. Like so often, I close my eyes and suddenly I don't feel any weight, because I'm carrying nothing. All the burden, I don't know where it's left me, but I know it's resting like me, somewhere in the light, changing bad into good, and good into unique. A second of pause leads to minutes of silence. Silence that I find inside me and makes itself felt in every cell of my body, because all of a sudden I just start to breathe. The hand, it holds my book, but I, I hold my fingers and feel the blood flowing into its tips. My feet, they rest comfortably at the table, but me, I run marathon. From the big toe to the last cell of my brain. The sun, it shines, but I, I shine in all the bright colors. All I see is gold, orange, yellow. I see life and feel myself. And while my soul reveals itself to the light, my ears paint a picture in my face. Every bird chirps a story to me, a story that suddenly leaves me standing in the jungle. Surrounded by so much life and energy. Yeah, even a car engine puts a smile on my face right now. Because all I do is close my eyes, let my breath flow and let my soul dangle.
It's really fascinating to see how many miracles there are in me. Every day, life surprises me with myself. As soon as I think that's it, there's something new going on. And although the new often goes quite beyond my limits, it still brings something relaxed with it every time. What's that? I think maybe a little bit of me, a little bit of you and a little bit of light.
And all the chaos, all the noise, it's just as wonderful as you are. To see it as a miracle, we probably have to start releasing it from all the layers that our ego imposes on us. It's like peeling an onion. One of my reading lessons, it taught me, everything inside me, everything that makes me live, is wrapped up in bowls of the past, the experiences and the narratives that I carry with me without knowing it. So it's up to me to peel my onion, drop shell by shell, and face the truth. Only then can I let the miracle live and myself fall. Only then do I see what is real and take away the light from my ego. Suddenly I shine. Because I accept and forgive. I'm laughing and floating.
No, it doesn't really need more. It needs no money, no house, nothing material . It only takes you and your consciousness to know that you carry the life in you, not the life carrying you. They are moments of despair, moments of silence and pain that, when we accept them, open our eyes and make us grow. Because sometimes it takes complete darkness to find the spark of light again.
Another reading lesson taught me what it means to trust. Putting trust in things that need it to flourish. People who need your trust in order to shine. And you, how you need your trust to finally let go. To discover where life is in us, where it finds its origin, leads us to the simple assumption that it is us, who direct it. Even if we think we know that all external things guide us, on closer inspection, it is again only ourselves who determine the direction. Because what you feel when you close your eyes and open them again in the morning, what you think when you look in the mirror, get in your car, pay your bills, or let your love go, that's what's telling the directions.
Let's start with the feelings, the soil in which our seed grows. Nothing is so essential for you as to acknowledge, feel and express them. Letting them swim like fish in the stream of the river, that's what feelings need, to give you confidence in life. Only then can you evolve and trust in painful things carrying love within themselves and leading you to where you will feel the good. Feelings are like the air your soul needs to breathe and grow.
The idea of the thoughts seems so simple at first glance, but just as quickly becomes quite complex, like popcorn, which you just let pop in the microwave for a few seconds too long. And just like with popcorn, it usually takes two, three or ten tries with your thoughts to finally enjoy them with all your taste buds. Even after my countless reading hours in the Garden of Life, I still find so many puzzles to solve in order to finally understand what it all means. To simplify it, it is probably best and easiest to say that as before, you hold the helm in your hands, for you decide which thoughts enter your temple and which ones rot at the gates. You decide which thoughts weigh how much, which ones you pass on, and which ones you offer a place to stay. It suddenly makes more sense why you feel so empty and negative when two-thirds of your thought capacity is filled with negativity. Do you wonder why so much feels like a heavy burden and life plays against you? Take a minute, close your eyes and wander through your head. Count how many troublesome thoughts you find and how hard it is to discover the few positive ones.
So what you carry with you mentally also influences, usually without noticing it, how you feel. And what you feel eventually leads you to the outside world and all the things that are waiting for you there. To become aware of this cycle, to hold it in your hands and to consciously change it, that is what allows you to feel and to give confidence. Because you know everything leads back to you. Every emotion, every thought, every situation is you and arises in you. So why continue to blame and sink into self-pity? Why suppress and deny feelings when that's what it is, taking away the space to create miracles? Why seek happiness so desperately in every thing and every person when the only place you can only find it is within you?
I open my eyes again. Meanwhile, my skin is burning, and the cells underneath they feel charged and ready to explore further. I still see gold in every corner of my eyes. Like a light glitter, it leaves its mark. I place my hand on the warmed up fur of my dog, move my feet in circular motions, stretch my legs and breathe deeply in and out. For those seconds of inner peace, there was suddenly no noise in the streets, no loud chirping in the autumn trees, and no human body that calls itself my home. There was only my soul, me, and this reading hour filled with light.
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